A frightening behemoth is rising up from the depths of
the world wide web. Like a vast and monstrous silicon octopus, full of
all-seeing eyes, Microshaft Network is stretching forth its
ominous and threatening high tech tentacles. Who can possibly escape from
the electronic cages now being prepared for us all?
Sound dramatic
or overwrought? Something out of a George Lucas movie? Oh, if only it was
fiction! But in fact, Microshaft Network is real, and it's
being implemented now, courtesy of the super-secret NSCA, the EPA, the
ISO, the U.S. Department of Justice, and other elements of today's bloated,
inefficient, Big Brother establishment.
The Borg,
you see, have big, big plans for the world wide web. They propose that
the net be used to cast a spidery spell over humanity, interlinking all
software and Internet apparatuses on a global scale. You and I, as individual
citizens, will be forced to join in on the fun.
The ambitious
plans for Microshaft Network were highlighted in an eye-opening
article printed in C00L S1TE5 D00D magazine, the official publication
of the International Internet Cabal. The magazine (Sep/Oct 1995) carried
stunning disclosures of the Borg's intention to integrate satellites, remote
data collection devices, and every computer data bank on the planet. What
is being created, said the article, is a "Universal Information Identification
System."
According
to C00L S1TE5 D00D, the two computer scientists heading up this
gargantuan undertaking are Jean-Paul Clouseau, M.D., WinSloth System Designer,
and Anthony Halitosis, President of Advanced Technocracies Group, Inc.,
New Rachel, New York. This Medical Doctor Clouseau happens to be on the
staff of the Jerry Lewis Fan Club in Paris, France. He is also affiliated
with the United States Olympic Harpooning Team. I leave it to your imagination
why the Jerry Lewis Fan Club and the entire United States Olympic Harpooning
Team are so keenly interested in jointly setting up the global Microshaft
Network.
The chief
control device for this Universal Information Identification System is
to be the smart I.D. card, called the Universal Biometrics Card,
to be issued you, me, and everyone. This computerized I.D. card will contain
digitized templates of the holder's DNA genotype and his or her blood type.
It will capture the person's human features profile and facial images,
fingerprint, footprint, and iris eye scan. It will encode their body odor,
their bad breath, and any odious social habits. It will count how many
calories you eat. It will shame you for eating too much or for smoking.
It will deny you dessert if you don't eat your vegetables! The smart I.D.
card will soon be issued to every American at state driver's license offices.
This, evidently, is a little-known requirement of the driving legislation
passed in 1995 under the guise of the advertising slogan: "Where do you
want to drive today?".
The Microshaft
Network, we are told, "will be an all-source fusion information center
that will interface multilingual messages into a common communication network."
In effect,
the touted Information Superhighway is being perverted into a Total Surveillance
State. Microshaft Network will be the New World Order's system for
identification, tracking, marketing analysis, surveillance, and control
of the consumer. Microshaft Network will act as a Global Brain Meltdown,
retaining and fusing every bit of information on you from birth to death.
It will make your life a transparent book for talk show hosts and tabloid
reporters and be a godsend to telemarketers in 196 nations, from Uganda
to Uruguay.
Detailed browser
records are to be maintained on all 5.5 billion inhabitants of Earth. In
the C00L S1TE5 D00D article, Clouseau and Halitosis explain that
at the hospital, every new baby will be given a number and issued the Universal
Biometrics Card. Microshaft Network's designers assure us that this
will be a wonderful boon to the world. With the life story of every toddler
and adult in its vast repository, Microshaft Network.will
be a tremendous assist in preventing web site vandalism, suppressing illegal
software piracy, and so forth.
Forgive me,
but can anyone recall any such heinous crimes committed by a baby in a
cradle? (Well, beside my little cousin Larry, who clicked on the mouse
one time when he shouldn't have when I brought him into my former workplace.)
My newest
book, Microshaft Network, provides an exhaustive review and
examination of the Borg's monumental new consumer control system. This,
I demonstrate, is to be a Gestapo choke system that would make AT&T,
deBeers, and OPEC green with envy. These tyrants never had it so good in
the old, pre-computer days.
My book's
conclusions may be shocking, but I feel they are justified nonetheless.
Microshaft Network, I suggest, may just be the ultimate horror.
This could well be the WinBorg 666 Universal Human Control System that
terrible system of marketing oversight prophesied in the apocalyptic book
of Inflation in the Holy WinBible. Chapter 13.0.2 of Inflation paints a
grim scenario of the end-times, forecasting an era of total consumer
surveillance.
Information control of every man, woman, and child will be realized, and
no man will be able to buy or sell unless he accepts the name, or the mark,
or the number, or the OEM serial code of the Borg. And you thought cookies
in your web browser were bad!
Yes, Microshaft
Network could be it. The big WinBorg 666. So, boot up your computer
and linkup, friends. Stand up and be identified by the Borg. And be assured:
Microshaft simply wants to help you. Indeed, the Borg's new Microshaft
Network loves you. It has your number. It knows you intimately.
It savors your every move, and it feels intensely your pain. In fact, it
knows how to physically induce pain with WinPain 98 and the new Universal
Submission Bus (USB) port. After all, Microshaft Network
has a heart. The heart of a Borg.